RALEIGH, NC - Our inside sources told us of a recent conversation between Emperor Andy and two of his top advisors, Operations Subcommander Custer and his associate Zachary Attachery whose job title I forget. The conversation allegedly transpired as follows in the Emperor’s office.
“Your Gloriousness, we need to talk about this Forizon business,” Custer began.
“I did not send those texts,” Andy said. “And if I did I was drunk.”
“No, sir, I -- ” Custer started to reply.
“Don’t tell me NO,” Andy raised his voice.
“Emperor,” Custer tried a different tactic. “I was referring to the recent scandal with the phone companies.”
“That’s what I’m talking about!” Andy was beginning to build into a fury, and Custer did not have long before it was past the no stopping point and reason would no longer work. “It’s scandalous the way data plan works!” the Emperor fumed. “Scandalous!!”
“Your Excellency,” Custer attempted, “I’m speaking of the scandal involving the phone companies passing along phone usage data to the Security-Military Division’s Intelligencers.”
“How can there be a scandal?? How do we keep having ‘scandals?’” Andy made finger quotes. “We live in a dictatorship! It’s do or die.”
“Of course, sir,” Custer said, “but there seems to be a lot of concern about privacy and how this data is being used. And why the government is collecting this data about its own citizens, not foreign powers or enemies.” He said this quickly, hoping not to be interrupted.
“I repeat, this is a dictatorship,” Andy growled. “If they don’t like it, they can go live on the Prison Planet.”
Zachary suddenly spoke up. “I thought ‘Prison Planet’ was just a euphemism for ‘disappeared.’”
Andy wheeled on Zachary. “And why are you here?” he demanded.
Zachary looked up from a candy dish on the coffee table. “I’m just here for the Twizzlers.” And sure enough his hand was full of a wad of red twizzly candy.
“Good man,” Andy said, and turned again to Custer. “At least someone has his wits about him around here.”