FUCS

We interrupt your regularly scheduled propaganda to bring you this news flash. Somewhere within the prison state of Ohio, what appears to be a fairy uprising is taking place. We have first reporters on the scene and we're going to go to them now.
Heathcliffe! Heathcliffe, can you hear me?! What is going on down there?

"Well, Dick, as you can see the situation here, in just a matter of minutes, really, has escalated into an all out riot. There are literally hundreds, maybe thousands still underground, of fairies storming out from the corn mines, pick axes in hand and casting all kinds of weird fairy spells!
"I've received some unverified reports that at some time during dinner, an elderly, reputably ornery old fairy received his allotted protein slop and, instead of routinely taking his seat at the table to enjoy his State provided meal, threw it in the face of a human security guard. And what began was the world's worst food fight. It was fairy horde vs. prison guards and it was rather...well...sloppy.
"It wasn't long before fairies started shooting fireballs, creating strong headwinds, and covering the footpaths with ice which would cause the guards to feebly attempt to gain traction and then fall comically to the ground.
"Oh my god! Did you see that?! Did you get that?!
"Dick, a fairy here just came flying out of the mine and flung a massive fireball right into the first guard tower.
"Ah! Watch out!
"Dick...shit! Dick! We're dodging debris if you can't see. Flaming bits of steel and flesh are showering on our heads right now and we are desperately trying to avoid immolation.
"Oh sweet Emperor! He's done it again! Did you feel that?! The whole ground just shook beneath our feet and the Foreman's Headquarters burst into flame as it found itself directly in the path of another fireball!
"This is madness!
"Madness!
"Utter chaos!
"It's a warzone down here! Smoke is billowing above HQ...that is the largest building on the grounds...the flames are huge and will surely spread throughout the camp. You can see now some of the destruction around the entire yard...we are...southerly on the yard and request assistance if you have a line...DICK!"

Heathcliffe...Now Heathcliffe relax. There's no need to get excited. Tell me, Heathcliffe, if you can speak to any of the fairies. Do they have demands? Are they willing to negotiate?

"DICK! I...I'm...shit! I'm in the midst of a very strong headwind, Dick, and all the shit around us is on fire!"

Heathcliffe! You're a journalist, dammit! Get yourself together and watch your language, this isn't cable...Can you make contact with the fairies?

"I'll try. I'll...try. Wait here...
"...
"Okay! Dick?! Do we still have you?"

Yes, Heatchliffe, loud and clear.

"I'm here with one of the fairies from the uprising. He doesn't want to reveal his name, but he says he is in a position of authority over the fairies and would like to speak."

"I speak on behalf of all fairies here in this corn mine. We are very angry! Down in the corn mines, demand is down. Across the Empire people are consuming less and less corn as they tighten their wallets. The economic problems of the Empire are not the fault of the Fairy Corn-Mine Slaves of Southern Cincinnati. So, when the Empire decides to try to fix the mess it's made by firing SLAVES! We get very upset! How do your fire slaves!?
"We've decided to organize. We demand the Empire recognize the Fairy Union for Corn-mining Slaves as a Fairy slave union open to any and all Corn Mining Fairy Slaves within the prison state of Ohio.
"We also demand better food! We want fresh, organic fruit served with every meal. Fairies can practically live off fruit. And sometimes chocolate.
"We also demand a bit more wattage on our helmet lights. It's dark down there and some of the young ones get scared...all the ones that aren't blind.
"And a cinema!
"And game night!
"And some relaxing Peruvian Pan Flute music down in the mines. That would be nice...
"We demand all these things in writing or the destruction will continue!"

"Well, Dick, there it is. Not much that he wants to sap out of tax-payer dollars. He's flown off toward the front line and let me tell you, Dick, the carnage has not let up here, not one bit. It's moved away from us, to the north and easterly.
"I'm going to move closer to see if we can get a closer look.
"Let's go.
"...
"Oh Mother of Pearl. There are bodies everywhere...here's a fairy riddled with bullet holes. Heres' a guard encapsulated in a large block of ice - frozen eternally with that stupid look on his face.
"Can't anyone help me?!
"Please!
"I don't want to die!
"Wait!
"Look!
" Are you getting this?! It looks like a winged pygmy horse...a Pygasus if you will...and is that...on its back a very petite cow...girl?!
"It is!
"It's Fairy Wrangler Patterson!"

"Yeeeeee-HAAAAAAAWWWWW!"

"Fairy Wrangler Patterson is circling the camp, lassooing many hapless fairies right out of battle and placing them in one of a pair of saddlebags.
"And now the horde has spotted her! They're organinzing to mount a counter-attack! It's hundreds of ferocious fairies staring down the Fairy Wrangler. Ms. Patterson looks nervous and all around me the sun is shining through a thick blanket of smoke creating a dastardly mood throughout the sky. Fires roar all around this camp. The smell of burnt flesh lingers in the air and the wind brings with it ash and debris as Fairy Wrangler Patterson faces off against a horde of blood-lust fairies clumped together - the buzzing of their wings roaring through the camp.
"The fairies are charging! Hundreds of them all at--
"ACK--
"What the...
"What's going on?! Where are we going?"

"Will ya shet that con-founded camera off?"

Hello? Heatchliffe? Can you still hear us? It looks as if we've lost the connection. I don't know if we know what's happened just yet but I assure you we will re-establish the feed as soon as possible if at all possible. Let us all hope for the best. We now return you to your regularly scheduled broadcast.