RALEIGH - Breaking news in the wake of Hurricane Irene: Chief Diplomat Zachary Attachery announced today that the potentially devastating hurricane was thwarted or warded off when a last minute settlement was finally reached with the infamous fairy hordes.
The sprites had long been seeking official status as 2nd-class citizens, an upgrade from their non-person (3rd-rate minion / persona non grata) status. As you will recall, a rebellion in the cornfields of middle-America resulted in catastrophic battle and very nearly an all-out war.
Therefore, the Pipeline is pleased to report that an accord has been reached in which fairies will be paid wages and even have a designated representative in the Imperium, which the fairy folk will elect to speak for them in the congressional body. Their representative even has a special title, which we're told will be Stenographer.
Although the Diplomatic Corps denies it, sources within the Operations Division tell us this surprise agreement was reached when the fairy bands held hostage Americanadia's east coast with a massive tempest and the fairy queen, Titania, threatened to "unleash hell" last weekend.
"I realize this might on the surface seem to be a defeat for the Empire, but I want to assure you this is all part of the Plan," Operations Chief Nazionale spoke from his private villa in South Carolina. "Minorities and non-humans can't just be given rights. They have to earn those privileges or else they won't appreciate them."
Fairy Wrangler Patterson, however, who hitherto headed up the effort to crush the pixie revolt, left the Pipeline several angry voicemails stating, "Gol durn politicians! Ah'm so mad Ah could spit!"
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