State of the Empire 2012

As you are no doubt aware, there is a good deal of controversy over marriage these days. Should gays be allowed to marry? Do clones have the right to marry and have children? Why can’t I marry more than one person? And so on.

Frankly, I’m sick of the whole thing. I know more divorced people than I do married people. More marriages fail than succeed. I have therefore decided to issue a flat ban on all marriages, effective immediately.

Your first question, I’m sure, is what about people already married? Can they stay married? No, I’m afraid not. Currently married people will not be grandfathered in under this ban. The only people who will be grandfathered in are grandfathers. And that’s only because I missed a loophole when writing up this imperial decree.

Now I want to talk about something that matters. War. It has come to my attention that some citizens are worried about the duration of the current war or wars. When will they end? Why is it taking so long?

Well, let me tell you that - the premise behind your question is flawed. You are assuming that a war or wars should end, as if that is a goal of the enterprise. You could not be more wrong. So I don’t want to hear any more about it.

Let’s talk about birth control. Reproduction is not a right. Now, yes, The Lord commanded the first humans, Adam and whatshername, to be fruitful and multiply. Well, they did. Commandment fulfilled. Reproduction is a privilege.

And, no, there are no plans to deactivate the conception-inhibitor fields anytime soon. So stop asking. Just keep practicing in case we decide to turn them off someday.

Someone told me the other day that the Earth is in no danger of being overpopulated. China has a negative birth rate and if you put all the people on our planet shoulder-to-shoulder they would only fill the state of Texas.

First of all, that’s ridiculous. You could never get them all organized to show up and stand there long enough to make sure they were all present. Second of all, I forget where I was going with this so I will talk about something else, less boring.

Now, I want to talk about the issue that is really the most timely and pressing and in the forefront of all our minds. The year is 2012 and as you know the Mayan calendar ends in 2012. Many people suspect this means 2012 will be the last year ever, that it signifies the end of the world.

Clearly, the Mayans did not predict the arrival of Europeans and the destruction of their civilization, so I am disinclined to take their predictions very seriously. However, just as we did with the Why Tooth Decay Bug, it is better to be prepared than to be caught with your pants down. I can’t tell you the number of times that has happened to me.

Have no fear. Concerted efforts are already under way to ensure the survival of mankind and possibly womankind as well. In the event of the end of Life as We Know It here on Earth, the Empire has seen fit to colonize many other worlds, often against their will.

 No matter the fate of Earth, humanity will live on, just not as comfortably. It would be a shame to lose the Earth, as we just finished paying for it, and Earth is where we keep all our stuff, but sometimes sacrifices must be made. Just ask the Mayans.